Rutherford B. Hayes. *AHEM* Rutherford B. Hayes was born humbly to his own son, Rutherford B. Hayes Jr., in Delaware while it was still Ohio, sometime after the French Revolution. Rejecting a career as a professional speller, he was admitted to the bar in 1845 though he did not drink lustfully from it. Serving heroically in the Civil War, Hayes admitted later that it was in the army that he first tasted human flesh. In 1876 Hayes beat Bill Tilden in a three-set quarter final at Flushing Meadows which caused the electrical college to declare him President of the United States!
Here are a few of the highlights of the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes: In 1877 Reconstruction ended and Jacques Derrida was named Secretary of Linguistics and the Era of Deconstruction began and continues to this day. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes Act, started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor, and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919.
After he retired he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Allen Arthur. He shocked the world with a publicity stunt when, on a bet, he made a tent out of the underwear of William Howard Taft and lived inside for a full year. [To Gypsy’s growing objections] Well HE DID! In later years Hayes retired from the stage and did a number of memorable character parts in Hollywood…And then after inventing ringworm, Hayes died. His last words were ‘I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blond.’
Oh! And his blood type was AB.
- Movie: Ah, Mr. Manicotta, come in.
- Mike: I hear you're stuffed with cheese.
This movie stops at nothing and stays there.